Valentine's Day

Swanner: February always offers up romantic comedies to keep all the lovers out there tingling…but for some people the thought of Valentine’s Day is just another way to show the world you’re alone. No cards or flowers received just dinner alone with the cat. These rom-com can sometimes be torture for the lonely and alone so I’ve asked Brian to play the role of the lonely, rejected, loveless creature that has to face Valentine’s day by themselves…enter Brian.

Judd: A rom0com is a rom0com is a rom0com (except 500 Days of Summer). They’re all hackneyed, half-assed attempts, where the writers and directors phone it in because they know no matter what fecal matter they fling at the screen, fat, unattractive, middle-aged women and gays are going to flock to it for a brief escape from their lives where their inattentive husbands are more interested in television and the internet than they are in their spouses’ bloating carcasses. The sword cuts both ways, you fat cow.

Swanner: The new film, Valentine’s Day, follows the lives of a very large group of people who crisscross each others paths over the duration of February 14th. Director Garry Marshall brings together some very big named stars to make this all seem familiar. I know they were hoping for Love Actually but what they got was more The Love Boat. It was a nice try but too many storylines makes all the stories seem short on any real substance.

Judd: In other words, Marshall tried to shove 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound bag. Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway … let me catch me breath … Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Ashton Kutcher, Taylor Lautner, Taylor Swift, Kathy Bates, Hector Elizondo, Shirley MacLaine, and George Lopez all star in this travesty on the silver screen. There were 8+ story lines all taking place at the same time in a 2 hour movie. I thought it was going to be a convoluted mess. What I got was a plot that was about as intricate as a Dick and Jane picture book.

Swanner: It was a bit messy. I think what it needed was a good trim down. There were some storylines they didn’t go far enough with (Eric Dane) and some they went too far (getting rid of the Taylors storyline would have cut at least 10 minutes of this movie) On the subject of Taylor Swift, she was horrible. We were actually holding back the laughter during her first scene because she was so awful. I’m sure we’ll be seeing Miss Swift at next years Razzies because she was Elizabeth Berkley bad.

Judd: I have never see acting as bad as Taylor Swift. Never. And I’ve watched Tara Reid in Alone in the Dark and Halle Berry in Catwoman. They look like Julliard trained thespians compared to Swift. The only benefit she brought to the film was that it gave a reason for Taylor Lautner to be on screen – though unfortunately he kept his shirt on. Oh my god, I sound like you.

Swanner: I just heard that the studio is so confident with the success of this movie that they have already ordered a sequel called New Years Eve. Just when people aren’t suicidal enough they come along with yet another couple oriented holiday.

Judd: Oh, Christ. But you know, I don’t think that fact that Valentine’s Day isn’t very good and doesn’t have much of a plot is going to hurt its box office. Avatar is proof that any crappy movie with a glossy sheen can triumph. V.D. has a cast that will draw in women from every imaginable demographic, from Lautner’s Twi-Hards to MacLaine’s mummified fans. They’re going to go to the film just so they can stare at their favorite movie star going gaga for love.

Swanner: Avatar was great but otherwise I agree with you.

Judd: No Stars

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s