Official Site: twilightthemovie.com
Swanner: Last night Brian and I got to see one of the big holiday movies, Twilight. The film is based on the highly successful novel by Stephanie Meyer about a family of vampires in the Pacific Northwest. The story follows Bella, a 17 year old girl that’s temporarily living with her father in a small Washington town. While at school she notices a strange group of pale students. She finds out that they are all part of the Cullen family, a mixed bag of young people, whom even the blind would know these folks are vampires.
Judd: Oh my god, this movie was so horrible. The first 30 minutes when we, like, meet Bella and, like, her, like, new school friends and we, like, meet Barnabas and, like, the rest of the Cullens it’s, like, totally excruciating. After the set up, the movie turns into a whole new breed of horrible. One that had me laughing every 5 minutes or so. It turns into a gothic, overwrought, cheaply made teenage soap opera that makes anything created by Aaron Spelling look like high art.
Swanner: Grandpa, this movie wasn’t made for you. It was made for younger people who still have a sense of romance and adventure. Not for a sweatpants wearing old fart that hasn’t had a good bowel movement since The Big War. This is a vampire romance movie with teenagers. I rather enjoyed the soap opera style script and the overwrought angst. Remember back when you were a 17 year old girl and that first romance was everything to you? I thought this was a nice twist to the old vampire story and I’m really looking forward to the next movie.
Judd: If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were kidding. Unfortunately, I know you. First of all, let’s tackle the nonsensical plot. Bella shows up at school on the first day and tells everyone, “I’m a weird loner, leave me alone!” and by lunch the whole school loves her, except the Cullen kids. Apparently, getting what she wanted by being ignored caused her to fall instantly in love with Barnabas – the “dreamy” vampire that looks like a young Christopher Walken with too much eyeliner. At that point Barnabas follows her around like lost puppy all the while telling her to leave him alone. She would be at her locker, he’d pop up behind her and tell her to leave him alone and then disappear. That’s retarded.
Swanner: Edward and Bella are star crossed lovers, stupid. Romance!!! I know the idea of something sweet and dreamy is not part of your mindset but this movie is very much that. “I love you, but if you’re with me you’re in danger…so I can’t be around you anymore” You need to watch more teenage dramas on TV. You’d know that this is very much how the younger people (who the movie was made for) think and talk. I like that there was reduced sexuality considering the audience. Although I think we could have had a nice Vampire Guys Gone Wild moment but you can’t have everything, Pops. I know I went home and wrote in my diary afterwards.
Judd: I guess being a vampire is a lot sexier than being a eunuch. It amounts to the same thing. A gal wants a fella that’s going to show miraculous restraint and won’t ever complain about blue balls. Helen Mirren needs to sit down and have a chat with these girlies. Anyway, let’s not forget to mention the horrible special effects. The movie looked like it was made on a dime – literally. Remember how they would tilt the camera sideways in the old Batman series whenever they scaled walls? Yeah, that’s pretty much what you got in Twilight.
Swanner: I didn’t notice the special effects being bad but then again I wasn’t bitching through the movie like others did!!! I was drawn into the story. So, do you think the American Indians in the show are really werewolves? If so, do you think the guy in the wheelchair needs a wheelchair when he turns? What about her dad? He’s the sheriff in a town overrun with supernatural beings…do you think he’s got a secret too??? Maybe I need to read the books ‘cause I have too many question and I don’t think I can wait.
Judd: Read the books? Please. You mean listen to the audio books. And if the Native Americans are werewolves, I bet the guy in the wheelchair turns into a wolf with hip dysplasia.
Swanner: Yes, I mean the audio books…I don’t really read. I wonder if they have them on iTunes??? Isn’t this a great time to be alive?
Judd: Bah. The movie as it stands sucks. It would be one thing if it were done tongue in cheek – which is hard to believe it isn’t – but the movie and its audience takes themselves very seriously. Every time Barnabas was on screen the little girls and the gay boys would swoon and squeal. I would recommend this movie as a rental. That way when you’re laughing at all its cheesy glory, you won’t get pelted to death by lip gloss and blow-pops.
Swanner: 3 Stars