Swanner: This week I saw Inkheart. It’s the new Brandon Fraiser film about a father and daughter on the run from fictional characters. OK, that sounds odd, but that’s basically the plot. Fraiser plays a man with a silver tongue and when he reads a story out loud something or someone from the story comes into the real world while something from the real world goes into the story. I must admit that after the mediocre Mummy 3 and Journey to the Center of the Earth, I wasn’t expecting anything even close to good. However, I was very pleased with the movie.
Judd: Ugh, I am so glad my life is a hectic circus right now. I hate this time of year — the time when the studios release all the shit they’ve been storing up since the end of summer. I apologize for not being able to see these films so that while Tom is fawning over them I can warn moviegoers not to waste their time or money.
Swanner: Hey, this was a good movie. It had a lot of action sequences and some very exciting moments. It’s based on a novel by Cornelia Funke, so it does have some literary chops. The film has Helen Mirren and Jim Broadbent to give the movie some class. It felt a lot like Stardust. It didn’t have the same humor of Stardust but it was fun. Don’t you remember movies when you were a kid that felt like they were made for you? Well, maybe you didn’t — but for the rest of us that like movies with happy endings.
Judd: Stardust without the wit would have been an awful children’s movie. The Princess Bride without the wit would have been an awful children’s movie. The fact that they were made with children and adults in mind is what makes them so great. Children’s movies do not have to be flimsy, one dimensional pieces of crap that leave that guardian in tow yawning and rolling their eyes. Until children can pay for their own tickets and cart their own asses to the theatre, children’s movies need to have a bit of adult draw to them.
Swanner: Inkheart obviously does have something to it since I liked it and it has a difference sense of humor to it than the other two films. It is funny and the cast was good. I also liked that the movie talks about books and the love of them. It encourages reading and the imagination. All things you obviously don’t understand. You’re just judging this on the fact that Brandon Fraiser has been making crappy movies and that I liked it — which you think is the kiss of death. You’re such a fat, opinionated butthole with bad hair.
Judd: At least I have hair — I don’t have to swirl it around my head and hope nobody notices I’m losing it. If your hair part goes any farther left, it’s going to start at your sideburns! No, I didn’t see the movie and yes, I’m playing the odds that it sucked. A February children’s movie starring Brendan Fraiser — I can smell it from here.
Swanner: I HAVE PLENTY OF HAIR!
Judd: ON YOUR BACK!
Swanner: The only thing I didn’t like about the movie was the score. It seemed like someone was scoring with one of those electric pianos that can make sounds like an organ or a trumpet. During the more zany moments I swear I heard a xylophone … I actually used the word “zany”.
Judd: Great, it was a crap movie with a crap synthesized score. How can it get any better?
Swanner: Well I still liked it.