Judd: They’re back for the last time. America’s Favorite Abstinence Vampire and his frumpy, brooding girlfriend-now-wife, Edward and Bella, are here to teach us one last lesson. In the past they taught us that it’s OK to string along your best friend for your own selfish needs. They taught us to save it for marriage and abortion is wrong. This year they teach us that if you were a lifeless, useless lump in while you were alive, becoming a vampire will miraculously transform your hair, posture and overall appearance into something less wretched, but still not great. We also learn that vampirism, unfortunately, won’t do anything for a shitty personality. Tom decided to skip the movie; I can’t imagine why; so today I’m joined by Michael Hedges. Who, like Tom, is a 14 year old girl at heart, but not as fat.
Hedges: Don’t forget, in the weirdest sub-plot of the movie, we learn that if you can’t get the girl you want, fall for her toddler daughter instead. I thought it was definitely strange that they pretty much glossed over this totally creepy and groan inducing story point after the first five minutes and we are supposed to just accept this as “romantic”. You see, since we last left Edward and Bella in part 1, Bella has become a vampire after the birth of her daughter Renesmee practically left her for dead. Luckily Edward was there to change her into one of the undead. At least this time Kristin Stewart actually has an excuse as to why her acting is so lifeless.
Judd: The pedophilia angle was really odd. Jacob sounded like every perv on To Catch a Predator trying to justify it. “I would never hurt her. I love her. I can’t help it. You don’t understand, it’s not like that, (but it really kinda is…)” Gross. This wouldn’t be Twilight without a big moral lesson, as well, and we learn that we shouldn’t be afraid of the unknown. Oooooh, so deep. Renesmee, being a half breed, is supposedly is the first of her kind. Apparently the Mormon Church didn’t allow Stephanie Meyer watch Bloodrayne or Blade or Angel, but whatever. So being the first mortal vampire in the thousands of years of their existence, The Volturi decide the Cullens must die. Bonus.
Hedges: In what I thought was probably one of the more interesting parts of the movie, the Cullens travel around the world trying to convince other vampires to stand with them against the impending attack of the Volturi. We introduced to vampires who possess low rent X-Men like powers which are realized through really bad special effects. I mean, honestly, how much money has this franchise raked in and they still can’t get a better team of CGI artists than The Sy-Fy Channel? I think the best part for me for this movie was the final battle between the Volturi and the Cullen’s assembled group of rag tag vampires and werewolves. I mean, watching Michael Sheen camp it up to the point where you know he couldn’t care less since his Twilight check cashed is just a thing of beauty!
Judd: I’m thinking Michael Sheen’s paycheck bounced, and that’s why he was so wonderfully terrible. Breaking Dawn, Part 2 is one of those movies that is so bad, its borderline good. Part 2 takes all the things that made the first four movies awful and elevated them to new heights. The makeup still sucks; the SFX are still abysmal, and the costumes are still laughable. But in this final installment, we can see Stewart’s wig sliding around on her head, the Volturi are dressed like Gothic drum majors and the talc used to give the vampires their pallor is starting to cake in the crowsfeet.
Hedges: You’re right, it is one of those movies that is so bad its almost good. Key word being “almost.” As with the previous four films this one overstays its welcome by about 20 minutes. I’m sure they could shave a few minutes off the running time by editing out some of the longing gazes into space the three lead actors seem to do when they need to punctuate a serious or dramatic line of dialog. I did enjoy the overly hyped up twist ending, and to be honest it is the best one of the series, which isn’t saying much since the let’s be honest, the bar isn’t set too high.